Our Little Spicy Girl!

Here's my little sweetheart.  I want to wish her a very Happy 9th Birthday!  Please indulge me a little while I post some of my favorite pictures of her.  If I would have had a digital camera when she was a baby, I would have been posting pictures of her on here everyday!  I would have with all my kids.  Not to brag, but I do have some pretty adorable kids!

That's my little spicy sweetie!  I love you, Siu!

My Young Women Leaders NEVER Said There Would Be Days Like This!

Ok, to start, I have a big complaint to blogger.  WHY???  Why did you have to change the setup and design, just when I finally got it figured out and was able to use it, so now I can't figure out how it works and I wanted to change my picture, but when I tried to post a new picture I could either get it itsy bitsy or gynormous! No in between, normal size.  So now I have no picture.  Why??

Today I am hosting Siu's 9th birthday party (birthday is tomorrow) with 11 girls attending.  She wanted a music theme so here is the invitation Anita and I came up with this: and in case you can't read mini it says:
Mamma Mia, it's Siu's 9th Birthday!! So be a  Super Trooper and come help us celebrate! Bring your swimming suit and be ready to Take a Chance and get wet.  Music is the Name of the Game, so be ready to sing some karaoke.  So, Honey, Honey say you'll be there to wish our Dancing Queen a Happy Birthday!
I thought it was quite clever.  Siu hated it.  But, being as how it took us all afternoon to make, that's the invitation we handed out. I'm getting ready to make a music scroll cake (don't ask me, I have NO idea how it's going to turn out!).  Anyway, it's going to be a busy, busy day and the party starts at 1:30.

Back to my YW leaders.  Loved them, thought they were awesome!  But they neglected to explain just what would happen AFTER I got married in the temple to the returned missionary of my choice, had some kids, got a house and proceeded to live happily ever after.  They did not say, for instance, that no one in the family (except me) will be able to find a trash can.  No matter how many I put in each room!  And if, by some miracle, they do and that trash can has a lid, they will put the trash ON TOP of the lid!  They did not let me know that after spending hours in the kitchen making a delicious meal, my little darlings would then say, "Yuck, is that's what's for dinner?  Can I have cereal?"  They did not tell me that laundry multiplies exponentially with the each child you add to your family and that the family's ability to get it to the laundry room decreases exponentially.  They did not let me in on the little secret that the sure fire way to get my kids to want to go to bed is to say that it's time to read scriptures.  Suddenly, active, perfectly lively kids the second before turn into semi comatose slugs who are soooooo tired that, "Can't we read tomorrow?"  Insert the whine here.  That's just a sampling.  Now, granted, these are not major problems, but like a rock can be worn away by water continually dripping on it, I'm being worn down by all the nonsense.  They also didn't tell me how to handle having 3 teenagers at the same time.  They didn't give me the secret to make sure that everyone gets the love, attention, teaching, discipline, and training that they need so they can be righteous, happy, successful, contributing members of society.  But in their defense, I will give them this.  They taught me that prayer works.  They taught me that I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father who loves me.  They taught me that one of my greatest tools is the scriptures.  They taught me that you can be happy, smile, and even laugh once in awhile while you are living your "happily ever after".  Even it sometimes seems like the "Nightmare on Bree St".  So I guess I can forgive them for not telling me the whole story.  They might have scared me away  if they had!

'Tis the Season for Regrets

The past month has been going pretty well emotionally.  Then all of the sudden, last night I fell back down the hole.  I was thinking of all the things I would like a "do-over" for.  Here are a few:
         #1 HAS to be, I wish I would have graduated from college (big one, huge one!)
         #2 I wish I would have not made all money mistakes I have made over the years (and continue to make, will I EVER learn my lesson?!)
         #3 I wish I would have enjoyed my kids more when they were little.  I wish I would have played with them more, hugged them more, read to them more, listened to them more, and scolded them less.
         #4 I wish I would have been a nicer person.  Still can fix that one! 
         #5 Related to #2, I wish I would not have accumulated all the STUFF that I now have to deal with.
         #6 I wish I would have taken better care of myself, my body, my mental health, everything.
         #7 I wish I wouldn't have had a tubal ligation after I had Siu.  I really feel that we were supposed to have more children.  Even the our kids have told us that they feel there is "someone missing in our family".  Their words.
         #8 I wish I would have learned how, early on in our marriage, to be a good homemaker.  I pretty much suck at it! (And you know how I hate that word!)
         #9 I wish I would have taken care of  my friendships and kept in touch with people I care about.
         #10 I just wish I was BETTER.  I wish I was smarter, healthier, kinder, more spiritual, more organized, happier, a better wife, a better mother, a better person.

Right now I am paralyzed by my feelings of inadequacy.  Everywhere I look I see my failures.  I see my successes too (my kids), but today it's not enough.  I know I probably need some medication to help me get through these times, but the stubborn part of me doesn't want to admit that I need help.  I should be able to handle this on my own, right?  Today I don't know.  I'm not sure how I'm going to get through the day.

Ward Campout

We got home from our ward campout yesterday morning.  We were all wasted!  I slept and couldn't seem to wake up and get moving.  We had so much stuff to put away and I didn't start unpacking until about 10:30 last night.  I went to bed at about 1:30!  But at least we got most of the stuff put away.  Now on to the laundry!  Holy mountain of laundry Batman!

The kids helped so much!  Lincoln and I are getting old and the kids did almost everything.  The boys set up all the tents (4 of them!) and took them all down.  They were great.  They also helped other people at the camp set up and take down their stuff.  They helped load up yesterday and unload late last night.  Anita was a great help, too, getting packed up and everything.  I'm so proud of all of them.

We all had a great time.  It was very nice and relaxing.  The camp site was very clean and nice.  There were hardly any bugs, definitely a plus.  It wasn't too hot most of the time.  I took naps every day.  LOVED IT!  We hardly saw Pasi and Siu.  They were running around with their friends all the time.  They had a lot of fun playing in the creek.  I watched a tv show about parasites last week and I was a little nervous with them playing in the water, hopefully they didn't get any parasites!

It was a fun camp and great to get away for a few days!  We all needed it.  It was so fun to see Cody and Faha spending so much time together and having fun together.  Pasi and Siu loved being with their friends pretty much 24/7.  Anita had time to read and rest.  I even enjoyed cooking on our little camp stove.  I hate getting ready to camp, I hate setting it all up and taking it all down and putting it away, but I like the actual camp once we're there.  We didn't really want to come home.  We have one more day of vacation, then it's back to real life.  Hopefully we are recharged and will get back to work Tuesday ready to go!

Family Time!

Last night was so nice!  I was watching something on BYUTV about families and how effective families function.  I was watching it by myself and it motivated me to get up and spend some time with MY family.  I asked everyone if they wanted to go for a walk, and surprisingly everyone did.  We had a nice little walk around the neighborhood in the dusk.  The weather was perfect yesterday!  Then we went and picked up Anita from the fitness center where she had been exercising.  We read scriptures and had family prayer.  Then Anita started playing the piano and Cody was playing the violin with her.  Faha and Pasi were making cookies.  It was just a nice evening together!  I was watching Anita and Cody playing and they sounded so good and I just couldn't believe they were my babies!!  (Insert some Mom tears here...)  I'm so proud of them!  It was just a nice evening.  We could have spent it like we do too much, each doing our own thing, watching tv, on the computer, etc.  But I'm so glad we spent it together!

Blah!

I'm just feeling blah today!  Didn't get much accomplished.  I feel like I spent the whole day running kids around to activities.  I have stacks and stacks of laundry to fold and put away (not to mention the stacks still to be washed!).  Pretty much every room in the house is a disaster area.  I did get the dishes done and dinner is on the stove, but that's about it.  I have had too many days like this lately.  It's discouraging.  Getting things completed that I can see what I have accomplished is very important to my mental health.  I'm not feeling so healthy right now!  Being responsible to take care of, feed, entertain, and chauffeur 10 kids every week day is about to get the better of me.  Plus, keep up with the house keeping, cooking, etc. I'm overwhelmed!  I thought things would get easier when my kids got older.  What a joke!  It's gotten ten times harder!  Oh well, I guess I better stop whining and GET TO WORK!

Last Day of School Party

I found this cute idea on secretsofasupermommy.blogspot.com (fun blog with great ideas!) to have a last day of school party.  I made a basket filled with Target $1 stuff for Pasi and Siu.  I didn't think the older kids would fully appreciate my efforts, so they didn't get anything!  I had the basket waiting for them by the front door when they got home from school.  I wanted to hang some crepe paper for them to run through, but I couldn't find any, so maybe next year.  They were so surprised and excited to get all their summer stuff!

A New Me!

So, after several years of just letting my hair grow and grow, I end up with hair so long it hangs down past my rear.  Last month I had a "big" birthday and I decided it was time to get rid of my "horse's tail" and get a new look that made me look and feel a little younger.  That long hair wasn't really doing anything for me and it took FOREVER to wash and comb out.  So, after building up courage for three weeks, I finally did it!  I cut most of it off!  22 inches!  I am donating my hair to Locks of Love to be made into not one, but two wigs!  It was a big step for me, but I don't think I will be going back.  I think my days of having long hair are gone.  I can't believe the difference in how I feel, and so far all the comments have been how much younger I look.  That makes me feel pretty good!  The last time I cut my hair (the same weekend Brooke got engaged), I had a major panic attack after I cut it.  I decided then that I would NEVER cut my hair again!  And I didn't for many years.  But I've been looking at myself in the mirror and realizing that I look OLD!  I'm so happy I did this for myself! 

It was really fun, too.  Last night I met Stacie at her house and she drove us and her mom to her cousin, Tessa's, house in Eagle Mtn after stopping at Subway to buy us some dinner. I got a seafood sub, YUM!   I felt so bad for Tessa!  She was on her feet for four straight hours doing all our hair.  Cutting and coloring.  And she's pregnant!  She was so nice and made it so easy.  I felt good about doing it and wasn't really nervous or anything.  I think it was easier because I had had time to get ready for it and I knew I really needed to cut it.  Last time I cut it (panic attack, remember) I just did it on a spur of the moment thing.  I decided to cut it while I was in the shower washing it and went later that morning at had it cut.  Anyways, I got my gray hairys covered and got a new color too!  I even got my eyebrows waxed.  First time ever!  A little painful, I've got to say, but I like the results!  I got home about 11:15pm, and wish Stacie and I had just made a night of and watched a movie or something! 

Thanks to Stacie for going with me and encouraging me!  I think she was more nervous last night than I was!  Don't worry Stacie, I LOVE it!  Now on to some much needed other changes that I need to make in my life!

One Little Light

Thanks to all of you who commented on my post from last week.  I appreciate your understanding and support!  It really helped!  It was a little light in the dark tunnel.  This, apparently, is my "up" week.  So far, I'm feeling pretty good.  I have noticed that as the week goes on, I tend to go downhill.  Usually Thursday is a very "low" day for me.  I'll hope that won't happen this week.

I am so excited that Friday night I finished the two quilt squares that we learned about at quilt class last Tuesday.  I finished the block from last month's class about 2 minutes before I went to class Tuesday night!  Being productive and getting things done like that really help me stay positive. 

We had a pretty quiet holiday weekend.  Saturday we went to Orem to my cousin, Alanna's daughter's graduation party.  There was a pool there so the kids had fun swimming, even though it was kinda cool.  We had to drag Pasi and Siu out of the pool when it was time to leave. It was fun.  Yesterday I did some cleaning and paperwork that really needed doing while watching Mad About You first season that I checked out from the library.  I love that show! 

Today I got some phone calls made that I needed to, paid some bills, and now I'm trying to decide what to do next.  Here are some of my choices:  
         Clean (Yuck!)
         Start working on Anita's quilt
         Make Siu a pencil skirt out of an old pair of jeans
         Work on knitting project
         Make our summer schedule
         Fold and put away laundry
         Check my fabric to see if I have some to make Pasi and Siu pajama shorts, if so, make some
         Fill out my daycare certificate renewal paperwork

I actually need to do all of these things, I just can't decide which to do first! 
        
        
        

In a rut

I definitely feel like I am in a rut.  That nice talk for I feel stuck, I feel trapped!  I have a confession to make.  It could be my deep dark secret.  Only a few people who really know me well, know this about me.  What is this mysterious secret about me??  Not that anyone really cares, but that's ok.  I'm usually the only one who reads this blog anyway.  Here it is......I have mild to moderate depression.  It varies depending on the "time of the month", stresses and pressures, and other environmental influences.  It began getting considerably worse last year after Lincoln was laid off from his job.  Some days it is easier to live with than others.  I wanted to start writing a new blog.  Mostly just to have some place to write about this struggle I'm going through without people I know reading it, but I just decided to go ahead and use this existing blog.

I have never been an overly positive person, but I used to be able to find something good to be happy about.  Now it's become a struggle just to function on a basic level.  I know my kids feel it, they know something is wrong, but I don't think they have any idea how bad it has gotten.  Don't get me wrong.  I LOVE Lincoln!  I LOVE my kids!  I am very blessed.  I just can't seem to shake this.  This thing, this awful invisible thing is taking my hope, my happiness, my life away from me.  It has it's bands wrapped around my brain and my heart.  It tells me that I am worthless.  It makes me feel invisible.  That no one cares about me.  That I can't do anything right.  It tells me to just give up and let it win.  I fight it every day, but it is exhausting.  I feel like I have nothing left to fight it with. 

I know it's not right to have these feelings.  The gospel gives us hope, it teaches us why we are here and that our lives have purpose.  It teaches us that we are children of God.  Right now, where I am, I just can't feel it. 

My first quilt block ever!  I'm so excited to learn to quilt!

        My second quilt block ever!  Only 7 more to go!  It's a small quilt.  I'm going to hang it on the wall in my family room.

Changes

I always think I want change in my life, but usually when it actually happens, I am not really happy about it.  Some minor and major changes may be happening in my life soon.  Part of me is excited and part of me wants time to stop so I can think about whether it's what I really want or not.  I know I am not making any sense, but I know what I'm saying.

The Newlyweds

Wow!  That was a long time ago.  Brings back a lot of memories.  This was the first day I felt really good after throwing up for pretty much six months straight during my pregnancy with Anita.  So, we decided to celebrate by going to Waimea Falls.  It was a fun day.

January

January is ugly! I'm sorry, but it just is. The snow is dirty, not clean and white and fresh looking. It's cold and the sun hardly ever really comes out. I'm ready for a new month.

Room Conversion

We have converted our master bedroom into a tv/family room/daycare playroom. We moved our bedroom downstairs. The room down there is actually bigger than the master. I have been dying to paint this room since we moved into this house fourteen years ago! Finally, I got it finished! I love it! It's such a cozy room, I love being in it. Now onto more painting! Lincoln and I like the beige color so much we are going to use it in every room in the house. I think I will work on the downstairs family room next. It is a mess! I will post my progress as I conquer each wall in the house.

My Big Painting Project

Here's what I do to TRY to keep out of trouble!

Here are some recent projects I made for my three great nephews who are due to arrive in the next few weeks. One may be coming this weekend! I love making baby things! Hopefully there will be a couple of more nieces or nephews arriving later this year that I will get to make stuff for!

Some Recent Projects

Anita Gae Myers Clawson High School Graduation Picture

Twenty-two years

Twenty-two years ago today I lost my mom. When I think about it all kinds of feelings and memories come back. My mom had rhematoid arthritis. She was diagnosed when I was three years old. I don't remember a time when she wasn't sick and in pain. Despite that, I have many happy memories of her and the time we spent together. My favorites are from the winter of my junior year in high school. My dad had been transferred to teach at a high school quite a ways from where we lived and so he stayed there during the week and only came home on the weekends. So it was just mom and I at home. That time together was a special gift that I think about with happy thoughts.

Mom was feeling pretty good that winter. We had fun eating whatever we wanted to and watching whatever we wanted to on our newly installed cable. That winter we watched the whole series of Anne of Green Gables on the Disney Channel. To this day I LOVE that series! We had so much fun anticipating the next episode. We laughed and just enjoyed being together. My mom could be so silly and fun when she felt good.

I wonder why this year is really bringing up the memories for me. It could be because my Nita (who is named after my mom) is the same age I was when my mom died. I can't believe that much time has passed. I have been married to Lincoln longer than I lived with my mom. I wonder what my kids will remember about me after I'm gone. I hope there are some good memories and not just the fact that I'm a witch most of the time and I yell too much.

I feel sad that my kids aren't getting to know their grandma. She was so cute with her grandkids and she loved them so much. She always wanted to do special things for them and get them little surprises, even though she couldn't always afford to do it. I know I get that desire to surprise and make fun little things from her. I love her, I miss her, I know I will see her again and she will be able to do all the things she wanted to and couldn't because her sick body wouldn't let her. I'm grateful that she is my mother.