In a rut

I definitely feel like I am in a rut.  That nice talk for I feel stuck, I feel trapped!  I have a confession to make.  It could be my deep dark secret.  Only a few people who really know me well, know this about me.  What is this mysterious secret about me??  Not that anyone really cares, but that's ok.  I'm usually the only one who reads this blog anyway.  Here it is......I have mild to moderate depression.  It varies depending on the "time of the month", stresses and pressures, and other environmental influences.  It began getting considerably worse last year after Lincoln was laid off from his job.  Some days it is easier to live with than others.  I wanted to start writing a new blog.  Mostly just to have some place to write about this struggle I'm going through without people I know reading it, but I just decided to go ahead and use this existing blog.

I have never been an overly positive person, but I used to be able to find something good to be happy about.  Now it's become a struggle just to function on a basic level.  I know my kids feel it, they know something is wrong, but I don't think they have any idea how bad it has gotten.  Don't get me wrong.  I LOVE Lincoln!  I LOVE my kids!  I am very blessed.  I just can't seem to shake this.  This thing, this awful invisible thing is taking my hope, my happiness, my life away from me.  It has it's bands wrapped around my brain and my heart.  It tells me that I am worthless.  It makes me feel invisible.  That no one cares about me.  That I can't do anything right.  It tells me to just give up and let it win.  I fight it every day, but it is exhausting.  I feel like I have nothing left to fight it with. 

I know it's not right to have these feelings.  The gospel gives us hope, it teaches us why we are here and that our lives have purpose.  It teaches us that we are children of God.  Right now, where I am, I just can't feel it. 

My first quilt block ever!  I'm so excited to learn to quilt!

        My second quilt block ever!  Only 7 more to go!  It's a small quilt.  I'm going to hang it on the wall in my family room.

Changes

I always think I want change in my life, but usually when it actually happens, I am not really happy about it.  Some minor and major changes may be happening in my life soon.  Part of me is excited and part of me wants time to stop so I can think about whether it's what I really want or not.  I know I am not making any sense, but I know what I'm saying.

The Newlyweds

Wow!  That was a long time ago.  Brings back a lot of memories.  This was the first day I felt really good after throwing up for pretty much six months straight during my pregnancy with Anita.  So, we decided to celebrate by going to Waimea Falls.  It was a fun day.

January

January is ugly! I'm sorry, but it just is. The snow is dirty, not clean and white and fresh looking. It's cold and the sun hardly ever really comes out. I'm ready for a new month.

Room Conversion

We have converted our master bedroom into a tv/family room/daycare playroom. We moved our bedroom downstairs. The room down there is actually bigger than the master. I have been dying to paint this room since we moved into this house fourteen years ago! Finally, I got it finished! I love it! It's such a cozy room, I love being in it. Now onto more painting! Lincoln and I like the beige color so much we are going to use it in every room in the house. I think I will work on the downstairs family room next. It is a mess! I will post my progress as I conquer each wall in the house.

My Big Painting Project

Here's what I do to TRY to keep out of trouble!

Here are some recent projects I made for my three great nephews who are due to arrive in the next few weeks. One may be coming this weekend! I love making baby things! Hopefully there will be a couple of more nieces or nephews arriving later this year that I will get to make stuff for!

Some Recent Projects

Anita Gae Myers Clawson High School Graduation Picture

Twenty-two years

Twenty-two years ago today I lost my mom. When I think about it all kinds of feelings and memories come back. My mom had rhematoid arthritis. She was diagnosed when I was three years old. I don't remember a time when she wasn't sick and in pain. Despite that, I have many happy memories of her and the time we spent together. My favorites are from the winter of my junior year in high school. My dad had been transferred to teach at a high school quite a ways from where we lived and so he stayed there during the week and only came home on the weekends. So it was just mom and I at home. That time together was a special gift that I think about with happy thoughts.

Mom was feeling pretty good that winter. We had fun eating whatever we wanted to and watching whatever we wanted to on our newly installed cable. That winter we watched the whole series of Anne of Green Gables on the Disney Channel. To this day I LOVE that series! We had so much fun anticipating the next episode. We laughed and just enjoyed being together. My mom could be so silly and fun when she felt good.

I wonder why this year is really bringing up the memories for me. It could be because my Nita (who is named after my mom) is the same age I was when my mom died. I can't believe that much time has passed. I have been married to Lincoln longer than I lived with my mom. I wonder what my kids will remember about me after I'm gone. I hope there are some good memories and not just the fact that I'm a witch most of the time and I yell too much.

I feel sad that my kids aren't getting to know their grandma. She was so cute with her grandkids and she loved them so much. She always wanted to do special things for them and get them little surprises, even though she couldn't always afford to do it. I know I get that desire to surprise and make fun little things from her. I love her, I miss her, I know I will see her again and she will be able to do all the things she wanted to and couldn't because her sick body wouldn't let her. I'm grateful that she is my mother.

A New Year

I love starting a new year. It's so full of possibilities. I have big plans to do so many things. I hope that I can get at least some of them accomplished.

Some goals for this year are:
-Get organized! And keep it that way.
-Clean out the garage so two cars can be parked there. Isn't that what garages are for??
-Sew lots of fun things.
-Teach Faha, Pasi, and Siu piano lessons
-Exercise regularly
-Be super spiritual! Read scriptures and have prayers every day! (Thanks Stacie!)
That's the main list, I will think of more I'm sure.

I have started painting. I painted a wall in our "tv room". It used to be our master bedroom, but now it's a playroom/tv room. Hey, I want an upstairs family room and I don't have one, so I made one! I painted one wall red. I'm going to use all my apple decorations. I hope it turns out cute.

Another project is crocheting blankets for my new great nephews, three of them, that are due to arrive soon. I have finished one, two more to go. Also, I'm making rag quilts for my kids' Build a Bears. I have to keep busy with these little projects because they are my stress relieving therapy.

Why do I need stress relieving therapy?? Because my kids are making me nuts! Cody wants to transfer to the high school close to us. Which you think would make my life easier, but it probably will be more complicated because Anita and Faha will still go to school on the east side of the valley. So I will have 5 kids in 4 different schools! So goes the drama of life with 3 teenagers.

Anyway, I am off to give piano lessons.

Christmas!

We had a very nice Christmas. It was low stress, my favorite. On Wednesday we got to visit with my niece, Brooke, and her family. We got to see her new baby, Benjamin. Adorable! Her 2 year old, Liam, had fun with the kids. He is so cute. We had my brother, Kevin, his daughter, Jenelle, her husband, Damian, and our friends, the Langis, over on Christmas Eve. We played a white elephant game and the kids acted out the Christmas story. It was fun. We stayed up until 12:30am with them and then I still had some presents to wrap so I ended up being awake until 3:30am. Lincoln woke me up at 8:30. The kids were awake, but just waiting for us to get up. They are such good kids. I would have already made my parents get up. The kids were all happy with their gifts and they played with them all day. I had made dinner on Christmas Eve so we just had the leftovers on Christmas Day. It was nice not having to cook.

It's a little bit of a let down after Christmas. I usually want to take the tree down the day after, but this year I'm wanting to leave it up a little longer. I may take it down today, if I get in the mood.

I made my first rag quilt for Benjamin in about 3 hours. I was pretty proud of myself. I should have taken a picture of it, but I had to give it to Brooke right away because I barely finished it right before they got here. But it turned out pretty cute. I'm planning to make little ones for the kids Build a Bears.

We have another week of the kids being out of school, so my days this week will be filled with keeping them occupied and keeping them from killing each other and tearing my house down. I hope to get some cleaning done, too!

First Week on the Job!

Lincoln is officially employed. It's pretty exciting and it may take us a little while to adjust, but it's a good thing! We are still not sure what his real schedule will be, he's been training the past week, but probably he will work around 7:30am-4:00pm. That's pretty good because then he can still help me run the kids to their activities in the evenings. He's been having a difficult time this week because of his ankle. It's really hard for him to get around on crutches and his leg and ankle are very painful. I'm afraid it's going to take a long time for his tendon to heal. He is not used to being sick or laid up and he has no patience for it. Our hometeacher came over on Tuesday and gave him a blessing and I'm sure that will help.

This week was fall recess from school for the kids so they had Thursday and Friday off and tomorrow, too. Anita helped me can peaches from our peach trees for the first time on Thursday. I'm going to try to post a picture sometime of our canning. It's not too pretty, but hopefully they taste better than they look!

Cody's team won their game on Tuesday against Cyprus. We weren't able to watch the game because normally his games are on Thursdays and I have scheduled my piano lessons around that, but because they didn't have school on Thursday the game was on Tuesday and I couldn't rearrange 7 piano lessons for another day. I was very sad to miss his game, especially since he got to run the ball for the first time this season.

Pasi and Faha's teams won their games on Saturday against Judge. Pasi's team has never beaten Judge and they have lost to them twice in the playoffs, but they won this time. It was a very exciting game. Pasi's team won 13-7. They scored a touchdown in the last minute of the game to win. Faha's game was exciting too and they won 12-6.

I'm looking forward to watching conference today. I only got to watch the last half of the afternoon session yesterday. Last night the boys all went to the priesthood session and out to dinner after, so the girls and I had a girls night. We got Wendy's dollar menu and rented Coraline and The Secret Life of Bees. We had fun watching those together.

I had planned to sleep in today, but our dumb cat, Gizmo, didn't come inside last night and she meowed at our window until I let her in at 5:00am. I'm going to try to go back to bed and get a little more sleep now before everyone else wakes up!

I love Fall!!!

You know how you want to do stuff and visit places, but you never make the time to do it? I know my nieces and nephews aren't like that because I read their blogs and they are always doing fun things and going all over. I guess I have too much of my dad in me that thinks "we don't have time and we don't have money" so we don't do anything and life is passing us by. I am getting pretty sick of that! It's coming to my realization that my kids are growing up FAST! Anita will be in college in TWO years! Cody will be on his mission in a little over THREE years! I want to take time and make it stop for a little while so I can enjoy my family all being together because I know it will never be this way again. Things have been really hard the last few months and, if nothing else, I've learned that if you wait until the kids are older, you have extra money, you have extra time, you have more energy, etc. to live your life the way you want to....you'll be wasting your whole life!

I love fall colors. I love the crispness of the air (I HATE being hot!). I just love Fall (and Spring too!). Normally, I want to drive up through the mountains and look at all the fall colors, just for the fun of it. Of course, we never do. Well, yesterday we had to drive to South Summit (Oakley, east of Kamas) for Faha and Pasi's football games. I had been dreading the drive ever since I found out at the beginning of the season that the boys had games there. By the way, it's only an hour drive (or maybe a little less). We had to drive farther than that just to go from Ramah to Gallup for heaven's sake! Another reason I was dreading it was because Lincoln couldn't go with us because he had to finish up his Scout leader training with an overnight campout in Lehi. So it was just me and the boys. It turned out to be so much fun! The boys and I talked, listened to music, and enjoyed seeing all the gorgeous fall colors the whole drive up and back. They both won their games, so it wasn't even a wasted trip! I just wish I could have stopped and taken pictures of everything because it was so pretty. What a great day to spend time with my boys and listen to their thoughts and ideas and joke around with them. FUN! We made a memory.

So for all of you parents with young children or soon to be parents, ENJOY the journey! Enjoy when your kids are little, have fun with them. I am so proud of my kids and they way they are, but every once in awhile I wish I could turn back time and have a day with them when they were little again. I wish I could hear Anita say, "Sing happy songs." and watch Cody wear his little white construction hat that he NEVER took off (even for church) with his spatula sword shoved down the front of his pants, strutting around the house. Or see Faha's double dimple smile and him trying so hard to keep up with Anita and Cody. You think you will be forever changing diapers and never get an uninterupted night's sleep, but before you know it they are all grown up. And they have more grown up problems that you can't soothe away and solve for them. So, we are changing how we do things around here. We are going to have some fun and enjoy being together more. Just wish we had been doing it all along!

It's a Good Football Week!

We're home from the games today and after a little nap to recover from the early morning to afternoon day at football, I'm ready to report. Cody's team had their first win of the year against West 40-0. They finally decided to show up for the game! The JV and Varsity teams both won their games, too, which was nice because it was Homecoming this week. All the teams dressed out for the Varsity game last night. It was so cute because Cody was so excited. Even though he didn't get to play, he was still so happy and excited!

Today the little league teams played in Tooele (about 30 miles west). We left about 6:45 this morning and it was a little cold and windy. By the time Faha's game started at noon, it was hot and no wind. I think I got a sunburn. Anyway, Pasi's team won 40-6 and Faha's team won 33-0. Good games! Faha played most of the game, offense and defense. He is pretty tired. He's not used to playing that much. This is a much better week than last week. Last week all the teams lost. So we have much happier boys at this house this week!

Tomorrow is the Primary Sacrament Meeting Program. Siu says she has her part memorized...we'll see. She is supposed to play "I Wonder When He Comes Again" on the piano for prelude, but I don't think she's ready so I may not have her play it. Pasi is singing a solo of the third verse to "Baptism". He's also supposed to play a song for prelude, but he hasn't practiced anything. We've been too busy practicing for the song he's singing.

This next week is the last week Lincoln will be home before he starts his new job on the 28th. I have lots of things I would like him to do before he goes back to work. I don't know if they will all get done, but I can hope, can't I? Last Saturday he tore his achilles tendon so he has been in pain and limping around all week.

Time to go make some dinner and do the Saturday night prep for tomorrow.

Official Job Offer!

Well, Lincoln's job offer is official! He got the paperwork last week and we are waiting for the background checks and paperwork to go through. If all goes well, he will start on September 28th! We are pretty excited. He will be a Benefit Specialist for ADP (Advanced Data Processing). I'm still not really believing it's real. I probably won't breathe a sigh of relief until he is actually at work!

Thank you to all of you for your prayers and support! We really appreciate it!

Lincoln has a semi official job offer!!!!

Back to School Time!

Amazing that it's already time for the kids to go back to school. They start on Monday. They are all excited. It hasn't been such a fun summer around here, so I guess they figure school will be better. I'm missing the back to school shopping, that's always so fun. But we have to forgo that until Lincoln gets a job. The kids have been great about it, very understanding. My kids are awesome!

We are all going to fast tomorrow for Lincoln. He has a job interview Monday morning. Please say a prayer that he will get the job!

Lincoln and I and the three older kids went to the temple this morning. (6am, the kids think that's waaaaaaay to early!) The kids finished doing baptisms about 2 hours before we came out and they were pretty tired. It was good to go with the kids. We wanted to go this Saturday before football games start next week.

Hopefully when I post next I can report that Lincoln has a job!

It's cool today!

I'm sooooo excited! The weather is so nice and cool today. I love cloudy cool days. What does that say about me??

This morning we went to the Kearns Dayz Parade. It was fun. The kids got a ton of candy. Pasi and Faha were in the parade with their football teams. There were a lot of entries. Way more than last year.

I forgot that Siu is giving a talk in Primary tomorrow so now I must go and help her get her talk ready.