In a rut

I definitely feel like I am in a rut.  That nice talk for I feel stuck, I feel trapped!  I have a confession to make.  It could be my deep dark secret.  Only a few people who really know me well, know this about me.  What is this mysterious secret about me??  Not that anyone really cares, but that's ok.  I'm usually the only one who reads this blog anyway.  Here it is......I have mild to moderate depression.  It varies depending on the "time of the month", stresses and pressures, and other environmental influences.  It began getting considerably worse last year after Lincoln was laid off from his job.  Some days it is easier to live with than others.  I wanted to start writing a new blog.  Mostly just to have some place to write about this struggle I'm going through without people I know reading it, but I just decided to go ahead and use this existing blog.

I have never been an overly positive person, but I used to be able to find something good to be happy about.  Now it's become a struggle just to function on a basic level.  I know my kids feel it, they know something is wrong, but I don't think they have any idea how bad it has gotten.  Don't get me wrong.  I LOVE Lincoln!  I LOVE my kids!  I am very blessed.  I just can't seem to shake this.  This thing, this awful invisible thing is taking my hope, my happiness, my life away from me.  It has it's bands wrapped around my brain and my heart.  It tells me that I am worthless.  It makes me feel invisible.  That no one cares about me.  That I can't do anything right.  It tells me to just give up and let it win.  I fight it every day, but it is exhausting.  I feel like I have nothing left to fight it with. 

I know it's not right to have these feelings.  The gospel gives us hope, it teaches us why we are here and that our lives have purpose.  It teaches us that we are children of God.  Right now, where I am, I just can't feel it.